


To Push and Pull

by corhahale



Category: The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Insomnia, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Regret, Slow Build, Victor Gale, Victor Madge
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24886600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corhahale/pseuds/corhahale
Summary: Madge is willing to play the new game that Gale and herself find they're embroiled in, if it means she can protect the people she loves. But not everyone agrees with what living means.Set in Catching Fire. Madge and Gale, Victors of the 74th Hunger Games.
Relationships: Gale Hawthorne/Madge Undersee, Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark, Minor Katniss Everdeen/Gale Hawthorne - Relationship, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 60
Kudos: 110





	1. Hide away

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Gadge fanfic as well as one of my first published fanfictions in years, but I've wanted to explore them as Victors for a while now.
> 
> It has also been a while since I've read the series, so please forgive any divergences or things I leave missing. In saying that, I don't want this fanfiction to follow the same story as Katniss and Peeta.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoy and hopefully I will be back with an update soon.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madge has been living half a life since returning from the Games, but not everything can last.

The snow falling in the Victors Village was crystal white. It coated the village so neatly that Madge couldn’t help but think the Capitol had staged it. This snow wasn’t from District 12. Snow here, was grey, black even the deeper you go into the Seam. But this snow, this snow was perfect, picturesque even.

Madge waited at Haymitch’s window, watching for the inevitable Capitolites that would soon arrive. Today Madge and Gale would be filming for the Capitol. How their lives were now, as Victors. What life was like with a love like theirs.

If Madge could tell the truth to Panem, Madge would tell them that she loved Gale. She didn’t lie during her interview. She didn’t lie in the arena. What she didn’t realize was that the same couldn’t be said for Gale. It was easier loving him from afar. Now, it was harder, knowing what it was like to give him love and believe that she was receiving something back.

Sleep was a commodity that Madge no longer had the comfort of. But for a time, she had had Gale. And that was enough. Neither really knew how to ask for comfort, but they found their own ways of coping with each other. She thought they'd found common ground, a way to physically culminate what they had done. What they would be repenting for, for years to come. 

It was the morning they returned to District 12 that Madge learned that she was wrong. Gale wanted their lives to go back to normal. Katniss was still there. And she was still the Mayor's daughter. 

So just like that, Madge became a blip in Gale’s life. She should have known better. They held hands for the cameras, and stayed close to one another for their welcome party but beyond that, they were Madge. And Gale. Divided as they had been when he lived in the Seam and her in the mansion of District 12.

She kept her distance from him, his family, and Katniss. The only people she had anything to do with was Haymitch, Peeta and her parents.

She often hid herself away in Haymitch’s home, away from those that came to see Gale, glancing at her house across the street. She avoided having to acknowledge the Hawthorne's attempts at inviting her to dinner. There were only so many excuses she could give before it became rude.

In Haymitch’s home, it wasn’t empty and cold like Madge’s house and it certainly wasn’t filled with voices and smiles from a family like Gale’s was. Instead it was dirty, smelt like rot and death, but it was a lived home. A shabby version of the other houses in the Village. Certain floorboards creaked from use, walls had stains and were no longer pristine and most importantly, no one tried to bother Haymitch but her.

“Not gonna be able to hide out for much longer, Pearl.” Haymitch said with a knowing lint to his gruff voice. Madge couldn’t help but roll her eyes. He was stating the obvious. An obvious observation that Madge didn’t need voiced.

“I know.” Madge murmured. She continued to watch the neighborhood, get covered in snow. It was too early for Haymitch to be up, the sun had barely started to rise. Birds were barely up yet. Madge turned to him, watching him rustle through the kitchen, probably looking for one of his flasks.

“You’re up early.” Haymitch stilled for a moment, before continuing to rifle through old newspapers and rubbish. He began to mumble to himself, obviously deciding that she didn’t need a response.

Madge stretched out and tiptoed her way to Haymitch’s kitchen. She had done her best to tidy pathways to get around the house. For a man who only seemed to spend money on food and alcohol, he had accumulated lots of clutter.

Madge pushed something from in front his fridge and opened it, grabbing one of the flasks she had put in there. Madge turned to him and tapped the flask against the bench, alerting Haymitch. She chucked the flask to him and he caught it with ease that a drunk shouldn’t have.

“I shouldn’t encourage you.”

“If you’re gonna be here all the time, it’s the least you can do.” He gave her a hard look, before taking a large gulp. Haymitch sighed before drinking the last of whatever was in the flask.

Curling her arms around herself, she leaned against the bench and the two stood in silence.

Madge knew that she should start to head over to her house. That’s where Effie and her prep team would be waiting for her, not hunkered down in her mentor’s home. But knowing one thing and doing it was entirely different.

Looking to Haymitch, he stared out the window above his sink. His shoulders were hunched, supporting himself with his arms against the bench. He lowered his head and he looked as if he had the weight of the world weighing on him, but Madge knew that his life afforded him some vices.

“You’re gonna have to marry that boy.” Madge snapped her attention to him. He kept his head down, making her stomach swirl and ultimately settle with a deep feeling of regret. They should have let her die in the Games. If her life was never going to be hers again, what was the point of being a burden to everyone she loved.

There was no point in her life, in living like this. It didn’t matter if the Capitol imposed a marriage between herself and Gale, Gale would resent her. She didn’t want to be some attached tic that Gale couldn’t shake.

She could pretend to lose her mind, like Annie Cresta. The Capitol would never push for some crazy girl to get married to the headstrong, beloved Gale Hawthorne. But they wouldn’t believe it. Something like that couldn’t happen to the ‘star-crossed lovers'. Snow wouldn’t believe her. Madge chastised herself. Annie’s pain wasn’t something she could just take and make her own. Disgusted, Madge tensed in anger. How could she even consider something like that.

Those Games took so much from Madge, that she wished she hadn’t come back sometimes. The few bright spots that Madge had had over the last months had been far and few between.

“Gale could have done it alone. I didn’t need to get back.” _He didn’t need me_ , Madge thought.

“Doesn’t matter. Done’s done.” Haymitch fixed her with a blank stare. Madge stared back, feeling the weight on his shoulders move onto her. Haymitch pushed off the counter, shuffling his way past her. He took a glass bottle of liquor from behind her and gave her a one armed hug. He reeked of stale alcohol, and unwashed clothes. It didn’t matter. Madge turned into him and felt tears wet the front of his shirt. “It’ll be alright.” Haymitch whispered into her hair, giving her a quick, prickly kiss on the top of her head before departing up the staircase.

Turning, Madge mimicked Haymitch’s previous stance. Breathing shallowly, Madge closed her eyes and wished away the next coming hours. She felt the tightness in her mind first as the sound of mutts chasing and gnashing at her swelled around her. Covering her ears, Madge's breath was catching in her throat. Every time she tried to breathe it consumed her, like she was asleep.

“No, no, no, no, no.” Madge muttered to herself. This isn’t real. Count to three. Count to five. Count to ten. She would never be safe. Never be sure that they aren’t here. Squeezing her eyes tighter, she knew that it couldn’t last but nothing for sure could tell her that the mutts weren’t somewhere.

 _Tap, Tap_. Bolting up at the sound, Madge searched the bench, quickly finding a knife in reach. Clutching the knife in a white knuckled grip, Madge pushed herself up peering through the window.

Gale’s youngest brother, Vick, was shivering in Haymitch’s backyard. Madge dropped the knife, wanting to scream. All the tension left her and Madge felt she could’ve fallen to the ground if the boy hadn't waved his arms at her, obviously trying to alert her.

His knitted hat seemed to be askew and his red face had terror written across it. Concerned, Madge quickly opened the back door where Vick stumbled through the thickening snow, pushing to the porch’s edge.

“You have to get home. We didn’t know he was there. Mom just told us to invite you. We didn’t know, please.” Vick begged.

“Wait, who’s at the house?” Madge walked out to the porch, her socks getting wet from the stray snow.

“Please, just hurry. Rory and Posy are there too.” Vick grabbed Madge’s hand and with surprising strength, pulled Madge closer to the edge.

“Okay, hang on.” Keeping hold of Vick’s hand, Madge quickly slipped a random pair of rubber boots on and let Vick pull her along.

Someone was in her house. It could be Gale. But then Vick wouldn’t be this scared or rushing to get her back. Her father might have visited, but it’s too early. Madge rushed through the snow, to the back entrance of her own house, with Vick in tow.

She could smell blood and roses through the open window, stopping her instantly. _No, it can't be_. Madge whirled around to Vick, gripping him tightly by the shoulders.

“Vick, you need to go home. I’ll make sure that Rory and Posy get home. Nothing will happen to them.” Madge hoped her voice was strong enough. Vick looked at her with wide, grey eyes that were welling with tears. He looked between her and the house, unsure of what she was saying. Rubbing his shoulders, to keep him warm and to reassure him, Vick nodded his head.

“He wants Gale too.” Madge was taken aback slightly, hoping the little boy didn’t notice.

“I’m sure he just wants to prepare us for the Victory Tour. Go get Gale and I’ll get Rory and Posy home.” Madge gently pushed the boy away, waiting for him to disappear from sight before opening the door to her house.

Walking into the kitchen was nauseating and Madge felt sickness swelling in her stomach. All she could think about was the way he had tucked hair behind her ear when he crowned her victor and the horrific mix of floral roses, hiding the ever lingering smell of blood. _Just find the kids, Madge_.

Madge tried to find anything out of place as she moved cautiously through the house but the only thing that made her unsure was the lack of noise coming from any of the rooms. She moved to the hallway where the stench of Snow grew. Madge ended up moving to the front room, where Snow stood in front of her piano. She quickly found Rory and Posy sitting unusually still on one of the lounge suites.

Catching Snow’s gaze, a waxy smile spread across his face, something alighting in his snake like eyes. Madge forced a small smile in return to him.

“My Magdalene, we’ve been waiting for your return.” Snow kept his mouth in a toothless smile, making goosebumps rise at the unsettling nature of the room.

“I apologize. If I had known you would be arriving so early, I would have made sure that I had had breakfast prepared. Have the two of you eaten yet?” Trying not to alarm Rory and Posy, Madge made sure to inch to the center of the room, where she could keep them from Snow’s attention. They shook their heads, Posy’s eyes wide and unblinking while Rory’s jaw was clenched. Before Snow could suggest anything, Madge spun to face him with what she hoped was a sympathetic look.

“If it's no trouble President Snow, I’m sure that Hazelle will be preparing their breakfast for them as we speak. I don’t want to have an upset mother on my hands.” Madge jokingly suggested watching as Snow’s face contorted into a graciousness that Madge knew was a show, his eyes narrowed at her request.

“Of course Magdalene. I’m sure these young one’s are quite anxious to get away.” He chuckled, a disgusting smile creeping onto his face. Madge smiled back, albeit tightly.

She twisted back to the two behind her, as Rory slowly stood and plucked Posy into his arms. She nodded to Rory hoping he understood that it’ll be okay. His grey eyes were darker than his siblings but they burned nonetheless, reminding Madge of Gale when he was younger.

“Go on guys.” Madge gently told them. Rory held her gaze longer than she thought he would before nodding and tightening his arms around Posy. Watching them leave, Madge relaxed when she heard the door click.

“Please sit, I do wish to speak to you alone briefly.” Madge wanted to narrow her eyes at the way he had taken control back by inviting her into her own house, essentially asking her to get comfortable.

Instead, she smiled and nodded. Madge eyed the seat that faced him but was far enough away that she wouldn’t choke on the abhorrent perfume that was Snow.

Madge carefully seated herself, crossing her ankles, as she had been taught and schooling her face to appear open and light.

“Ah Magdalene, you remind me of my granddaughter. Sweet, pretty, _naive_.” His eyes glinted with joy at the minor jab he took at her.

“Panem is at unrest because of your defiance. Your father has many troubles to fix now.” The change in his pleasantries almost gave Madge mental whiplash. She tried to keep calm.

Her family had always been subjected to the Capitol’s influence. This wasn’t new, but she had never heard someone brazenly talk of it. Everyone believed that being the Mayor, that the Capitol was in their back pocket, but her father wasn’t raised in the Capitol. It made him different and Snow knew this. It’s the only reason he would mention him. Something was going to happen in the District. Madge held his gaze as he smirked at her.

The thuds of heavy footsteps broke the silence and soon in the same room as her, Gale stood two metres behind her. She could hear his heavy breathing but she refused to look behind her, trying to keep her face as neutral as possible. She felt the scrutinizing eyes of Snow. His face morphed into a tight expression that Madge couldn’t decipher the longer no one said anything.

“Sit Gale. There’s much to discuss.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and let me know what you all think!


	2. A dawn with waking birds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to start off by saying thank you for all of your comments that I've received so far! It's so awesome hearing from you all and it pushed me to finish this chapter sooner than I thought I would.
> 
> I have edited the first chapter slightly, but you don't have to reread it. I only subtracted a few things so they are better revealed in other moments of the story. So if you have read the first chapter before edits, think of it as having a sneak peek of something coming up ;)
> 
> Thank you guys again and enjoy!

“Gale, how has your return to District 12 treated you?” Snow asked. Something lurked behind the President’s eyes. Every part of Madge itched in scared anticipation. Gale was sat beside her and if she moved ever so slightly, she would feel his shoulder brush against hers. It would be their first touch in months. She’d barely looked in Gale's direction, too focused on Snow to really indulge in every little difference she could find.

It took an extended moment for Gale to reply. Madge resisted the urge to turn and push him to speak, instead imagining him challenging Snow’s stare with a smoldering anger that Gale always had tightly coiled inside himself.

“Good.” Gale stated, a strain laced throughout his voice. Madge wondered what kind of thoughts were swirling in his mind. What was he forcing himself from voicing right now? Probably threats that held no danger to Snow, a promise to kill the President with his bare hands.

Snow’s eyes gleamed, the morning light highlighting the way his eyes quickly moved between Gale and Madge. The white room started to brighten from its dull blue hue, to a warmer glow, that was only magnified by the bareness of the white room.

When Madge moved in, she came with three boxes and her old wardrobe. Said wardrobe was quickly replaced by Cinna’s designs exclusively. Two of the boxes held pictures from home, mementos and little bobs and bits that her parents could spare. The third box had been packed by her mother. Madge hadn’t opened it yet, afraid of what might be in it. She couldn’t afford to discover something that she could never unlearn. Or worse, another possession of Maysilee’s. Everything else was Capitol issued. She didn’t care. It was just as much a home to Madge as the Games were a vacation.

The piano had been purchased by Effie, who believed that the instrument would be her talent. However, Madge was so afraid of losing another piece of herself to the Capitol. If she goes there and plays, music wouldn’t be her childhood friend anymore. It would become a tool, an accessory.

Snow moved to sit on the piano bench, bringing a hologram device positioned atop of the piano into view. The picture that flickered to life was Katniss and Gale.

Madge turned her gaze down, catching Snow’s smirk before dissolving into her thoughts.

He’d kissed her. Or she’d kissed him. It didn’t matter. For all her avoiding, Madge truly thought she would be well prepared for a revelation like this. But it’s different. If she’d been told about the kiss, then it would have just been her imagination. That hologram was real. A moment taken away from Katniss and Gale, that was now going to haunt them forever.

 _Stop it_ , she thought to herself. Katniss and Gale’s family had to sit through an entire televised show of make believe with herself and Gale and she’s shown one photo of Katniss and him and she’s upset? No, this is the way it was supposed to be. This was why Gale came home. He had love. It just wasn't for her.

Madge caught the way Snow was analyzing them. Madge internally became critical of the way their reactions seemed to affirm his thoughts, instead of making him evaluate his next move. He knew what he was doing showing them the picture together. He knew exactly what their reactions were going to be because this wasn't the first time he had watched them.

“I would like to see you engaged before the Quarter Quell. Your love should waste no time. As I’m sure you both know, youth can so quickly slip from our fingers. We must remind Panem of our love for them. Of your _love._ ” Snow claimed. He waved his hand over the hologram, making it disappear. 

A strong feeling of unease swept over Madge at what was left unsaid. Haymitch lost his whole family just for manipulating the Games to work in his favour. Her family is easier to dismantle than Gale’s. His family was beloved by the Capitol. Her father had been careful through the interviews and her mother didn’t even last through the first one. The threat was for them both, but it was a pressing issue for her. Her family was already seen indifferently in District 12. The Peacemakers and her father were the face of the Capitol in the District.

“Are we clear?” Snow posed the question like they had a choice. He was devoid of any emotion, and had focused much of his attention on Madge. Madge looked to Gale. He was looking at the mirror on the mantle above Snow, probably wishing that it would fall and kill on the spot. His jaw was clenched and his hands were fisted on his thighs.

His hair had grown out slightly and stubble was encroaching over his face. The stylists would groom that ruggedness away when they arrived. His clothes fit him well, better than before the Games. He had also gained weight in his face and shoulders. He didn’t look nearly as hallowed as he as used to. 

Without turning away from Gale, Madge answered “Yes.” giving a bite to the word. The only indication Madge could distinguish that Gale had heard her was his hands flexing before tightening again. He refused to look at her, Madge thought of Katniss, and Gale having to explain this to her. Or lie. He'd only just returned and the two didn't even get to really try before Snow tightened his leash on them. She returned her attention to Snow, catching him staring at Gale with a smile.

“I expect the best from you both.” Snow stood, brushing himself of imaginary dust. As he moved past them, he paused, placing a hand on Madge’s shoulder. His nails dug into her before giving her one last parting comment, “And I do wish to hear you play us something during the tour, Magdalene.” Stiff and hardly breathing, Madge nodded in response. The air around her saturated in the scent of blood permeating off Snow as he released her and wandered away.

The distinguishable click of the door closing was Madge’s signal to move away from Gale. Taking shallow breaths, the air tasted of the coppery dry blood from the now departed Snow. She had to get rid of it.

She rushed for the windows erratically opening as many as she could. One after the other, cold air swept into the room but it only seemed to circulate the smell around. Maybe it would never leave. Maybe it would stay as a reminder that this was her life now. That the Capitol owns everything, including her.

One of the latches was stuck, her fingers unable to twist it properly. The latch became blurry, only making it harder for her to achieve anything. Madge pretended they were tears of frustration, tears that wouldn’t be falling if the latch would just open.

A silent Gale sidled up next to Madge, replacing her hands at the latch. He gave it a small tug, releasing it from its position and opening it widely. Madge retreated, tucking her hands into a clasped position at her chest. They stood in complete silence, neither wanting to start the argument they were bound to have.

“I’m sorry he showed you that.” Gale conceded. Peering at him, his face had a dark expression and his body was rigid. An unsaid anger vibrated through Gale. There didn’t seem to be any remorse in the apology but Madge wanted to believe that she knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t say something he didn’t mean.

“I’m sorry you were caught.” Madge quietly admitted, a small part of her justifying the unfair comment. He snapped his attention to her, his eyes burning now with indignation. She observed his jaw clench rhythmically, clearly wanting to say something back. She almost hoped he would. Something that would blow a hole in this ‘romance’. But he didn’t. He just kept looking at her like she had insulted one of his siblings. _His siblings._

“Are your siblings okay?” Concern cracked through her voice. She doesn’t know what Snow said to them while they were alone. He could have said nothing, something harmless. He could have suggested something harmless that was really a threat. Or asked questions of them, of Gale, of her. 

“They will be.” Gale replied harshly, shutting down any further venture into the subject. Madge could only nod in response. What did she expect? They were being threatened into a commitment yet they hadn’t spoken in months, and his family's lives were used like play toys. As well as hers. It didn't bode well for either of them if it all hinged on them being able to pretend they were in love.

Their impending doom dawned on Madge with the croaking sounds of waking birds. The house must have cameras planted somewhere, waiting to televise her demise. Her parents' heads were on the chopping block. The image of Madge’s mother, laying in bed being poisoned with an overdose of morphling started to replay in her mind’s eye. Her father's hanging body, persecuted for the treasonable offense of being Madge Undersee's father.

Intent on getting to the sink before she retched bile onto the floor, Madge darted away to the kitchen. Turning the tap, the first splash of water was ice cold, shocking her enough for her to focus on the frigid water instead of her imagination. The second numbed her, but by the third splash, Madge could feel her nose wanting to run.

Her ears perked at Gale’s footsteps following her into the kitchen. Madge froze, an icy prickling sensation manifesting at the base of her neck. She didn’t want to fight with him. Steadying herself, Madge turned to him, wiping at her face with her sleeve. His eyes bore into her like he could see right through her. She shifted, crossing her arms across her chest like that could fend off his scrutiny.

“This isn’t what winning is supposed to be.” Gale asserted, fury rolling off him in waves from across the room. He was holding back, maybe for her sanity. Or maybe he thinks she can’t handle it. She just couldn’t believe that she was accused of being naive. She gave Gale an incredulous stare for a moment.

“We didn’t win like everyone else.” Madge muttered back. Frowning immediately, a scowl soon accompanied it. Madge broke off her own stare, not wanting to watch how intense his anger would grow in her direction. Looking away, she looked over his shoulder, her gaze catching on a peel in the wallpaper in the far corner.

Madge tapped her finger. It could be nothing, but there was no doubt that Snow was watching them. That was the point of his visit wasn’t it? Ensuring they knew that they were the Capitol’s victor’s, Capitol property.

She had to leave before he said something that could endanger them, their families. She started to move towards him, a small smile forming that she hoped he could see through. His eyes grew darker with frustration instead, his eyes tinkering with questions and anger he hadn’t expressed yet. She had to beat him to it.

“He used my siblings! We can’t just go along-” Madge cut him off, clamping a hand over his mouth. He instantly began to glare at her, rage radiating from him. She knew she couldn’t tell him that her family had been threatened. It would stoke an already growing fire in Gale. He batted down her arm from his mouth, her fingertips grazing against his rough stubble.

She pushed forward, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck, pulling his head closer to hers, her lips near his ear. “He’s watching us. We can’t be sure that he’s not listening too.” Madge whispered. Gale eased before stiffly returning her embrace for the possible cameras.

He lowered his head so he hovered just above the crook of her neck and shoulder. His breath fanning against her exposed neck, causing hairs to raise. It was too familiar. This was too much. She could literally smell the citrus soap he used. His arms circled around her, resting above the curve of her hips. They’re too close, intentions blurring, Madge finding a reluctant solace being so near him. If she leaned forward, it would almost be like they were truly holding each other, not conspiring against the world.

“Fuck.” Gale said so softly that Madge knew it wasn't supposed to be heard by her. He pulled away, but not entirely. His forehead ghosted near hers, their fingertips skimming against each other, like a desperate attempt to stay connected. His breath smelt of mint and as he sighed, her hair swaying, tickling her neck as Madge catalogued everything. Rationally, she knew that his fingers were only staying at her sides to keep her from disappearing from what he quietly admitted,

“I can’t do this again.”

Instantly, Madge let her head fall away from Gale’s. Glancing up, his face was a storm of frustration, anger and another emotion that poured from him but Madge couldn’t define. In that moment, Gale reminded her of the year in Twelve when the summer was so intense, miners were dying from heat exhaustion. Everyone prayed for rain, or at the very least clouds but no relief came. The thought reminded her that you can wish for something, hope and believe in it but sometimes that's all you're doing. Filling the sky with hopeless wants, regardless of how desperate you are.

Madge left an unusually quiet Gale, wanting nothing more than to confine herself to her bed and never leave. When she was younger, she didn’t understand her mother. It was now, after surviving the Games, that Madge could comprehend the weight of her mother's pain and how she rid herself of it.

Climbing the stairs, she knew it was inevitable that one of them was going to ruin it. One of them was going to break whatever forced illusion they created for the masses. They already had. If Gale fractured the image, Madge's family are killed. If Madge loses the little sanity she has, her family is killed. Her family would always be Gale's warning and her punishment. They should have known they were dead the second they felt the crowns scratch their scalps.

The slamming of the front door cued Madge to Gale abandoning the house. She stared through the window from her bed, watching the perfect white snow continuing to fall. Only she knew, it was too perfect to survive in Twelve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! As always let me know what you think and if you want to chat you can find me [here!](https://motnymiller.tumblr.com/)


	3. Showtime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update everyone! This chapter has evaded me for the last couple days. Hope ya'll enjoy!!

Madge was dragged down the stairs by Trajan and Quilliva as they gushed about Madge’s outfit. She nodded along, watching Trajan’s neon yellow jewels she wore as hair. When she had first seen the strings of jewels, she had thought it was a wig. Madge soon realized that the jewels were protruding from her scalp. Each time she moved, it was like the chattering teeth of ten people all at once.

The giant, black eyes of Quilliva are Madge’s nightmares alive. Madge couldn’t look at him very often. He told her that it was the latest trend in the Capitol and Madge could all but pray that it wasn’t. She wouldn’t survive the tour if it is. 

It wasn’t the worst that she had seen from the Capitol but that didn’t absolve her worries. Their decisions made her question what they thought of her, never wanting to alter any piece of her body. 

All things considered, Madge appreciated the two’s meaningless chatter. It’d been so long since she’d been surrounded by so many people. People that didn’t have gallons of pent up tension and unsaid confrontations. If she hadn’t been so exhausted then she might have encouraged them more.

They seated her at the piano, fluffing her hair and grinning at her, like Madge was an animal in a cage. They stood back as Portia graced them with nods before taking Madge’s face in her soft hands. Her eyes were warm with familiarity and her defined cheekbones gave her an air of elegance. A bronze streak swiped from the bottom of her lip to her chin which contrasted against her dark skin.

“It is good seeing you. You’ll do well today.” Portia declared, leaning forward to place feather-like kisses above each of her eyebrows. The care that Portia gave made Madge envious of something she’d never had. Portia carefully pushed a loose strand of Madge’s hair behind her ear before moving behind the crew of people setting up cameras and lights.

Madge took a deep breath and turned to the keys of the piano. She shakily spread her sheet music along the bar, arching and trailing her fingers against the smooth keys. Her eyes caught on the one spot free of dust. Fear bubbled in Madge at the memory. She looked for Portia, only to find herself blinded by brightness.

Squinting her eyes open, Madge was met with crowds of Capitolites cheering for her. Their smiles caught and glowed in the roving spotlight, drinking every movement she made. Madge spun around and was confronted with a blue Caesar Flickerman, grinning and laughing with the crowd. 

Madge knew that something wasn't right but she smiled anyway, instincts taking over. 

“Now being the Mayor’s daughter, he must be incredibly proud of you.” Caesar leaned forward like he was giving her the highest compliment.

“Yes, I believe he is.” Madge glowed for the crowd before continuing, “But I’m really here to continue my aunt Maysilee’s legacy. She fought in the 50th Quell and I hope to live up to her bravery.” Murmurs erupted throughout the crowd, the Capitol trying to remember how well her aunt did in her games. Obviously not well enough to win, but that Quarter Quell wasn’t spoken of often.

“So it’s in your blood.” He gave her a wink, before appealing to the crowd to laugh with him. Madge giggled along, knowing it wouldn’t help if she reacted with the frown that she wanted to. He might be right though. It might be in her family's blood for all luck to go against them.

“Well Magdalene-”

“Please Caesar, call me Madge! That’s what friends call me and we’re all friends here, aren’t we?” She turned to the crowd and she heard the nickname being called back to her. She grinned in return. They didn’t know that exactly four people knew her by that name. It was theirs now.

“Of course! Now Madge, I wanted to ask; you’re the Mayor’s daughter, a relative of a tribute and not to mention, sweet on the eye,” He paused, a grin that he must have considered flirtatious, sneered back at her. Instead of bristling, Madge played along, batting a hand towards Caesar and teasingly blushing.

“You must have someone waiting for you?” Caesar pried. Madge felt herself stutter for the first time.

“No Caesar. No one’s waiting for me back home.” She admitted, hoping the crowd took pity on her. Gauging their reactions, it seemed that they had lost enthusiasm at the answer. “But perhaps I’ll meet someone here!” She brightened, looking back to see people leaping from their seats, like panthers in the dark, pouncing on their prey.

“Why yes, you could. But surely you have your eye on someone you want, someone who couldn’t resist a victor!” Gale flashed in Madge’s mind. She wished now that she had thought for a second longer before replying. 

“I- I can’t be with him if I return.” Madge stunned herself with the response. This was becoming dangerously real quickly. She had to commit. It would help them both. The unlucky lovers. Sponsors would pity them, be generous to them. Only if Effie and Haymitch sell it right.

“Now why would that be? You’re practically perfect Madge! You go back to that District as a Victor and you’ll have everyone wrapped around your finger.” 

“I- If I win, Gale will…” Madge stared at her lap. She could hear whispers of confusion and a piano melody interwoven in the noise of the crowd. Confused, Madge lifted her head, watching Caesar's own confusion morph into sad understanding.

“Gale, your district partner?” Caesar posed the statement like a question but it confirmed this for Panem. Madge looked out to the crowd and found Cinna and Portia staring back. Portia held a hand to her lips and Cinna looked as if he were turning the confession over in his head. Madge allowed a sad smile to float onto her face when she faced Caesar. A mask of fake sympathy and sadness looked back at her. He was just as good a performer as she thought she was.

“Madge, I’m sorry to hear that.” He grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze.

“At least if it’s not me, it will be Gale.” Madge gave Caesar a smile, who frowned slightly. It must have been the first time another tribute had put their weight behind another. The melody she had heard earlier reached its crescendo, snapping Madge’s attention to the audience, but all she could heard was sighs and even sobs.

“Panem, Madge Undersee!” Caesar announced to the crowd, the yelling and cheers blaring as Caesar lifted her arm into the air. He spun Madge to face him once more, kissing the knuckles of her hand before releasing her. Madge waved to the audience as she walked away, dropping the act when she reached the safety of backstage. 

Cesar’s lips had left a smeared, shimmering blue stain against her skin. She rubbed at the glossy stain like she could rub away that interview. Gale was going to lose it. What little control he did have prepared for his interview was going to be turned on its head by her admission. 

“What the fuck Undersee!” Gale stormed at her, steam practically following him as he towered over Madge. Backing away on instinct, Madge was met with the cold cement wall, her shoulder shuddering in the cool feeling behind her and the heat of Gale’s rage in front of her.

All she did was give them a way to play the Capitol, a way for the Capitol to turn on the Games and he was angry with her? Madge shoved him back from her. Anger rearing its head in the face of Gale taking her ploy as who she was.

“I’m helping us! Helping you!” Gale scoffed, taking a step forward again before Haymitch intercepted him.

They argued in front of her as Madge looked back to the stage she had exited from. All that she could hear was a soft melody that encapsulated around her. Haymitch and Gale’s voices were now completely drowned out by the piano. Gale looked over Haymitch’s shoulder. He glared at her intently before looking back to Haymitch to nod stiffly . 

_This isn’t happening._

Madge remembered this. She remembered Cinna guiding Gale away into the glowing, white lights of the Capitol stage. Only the lights grew brighter and Gale slowly disappeared into them.

Clapping began and Madge nearly yelled for Gale before the lights lowered, revealing her prep team. Effie blotted at invisible tears as Madge shakily tried to compose herself, shuffling her sheet music together. 

Madge had never fallen into her memories like that before. She had relived it. Had felt the sweat that had dripped on the back of her neck, the chills she had felt making eye contact with evil stares, and the underwire of her bra jabbing her each time she turned.

“Magnificent! Oh Madge, that was amazing!” Effie’s praised as she pulled Madge from the bench and her growing panic. Effie squished Madge into the scratchy orange material of her outfit and Madge focused on the light scraping that Madge could feel against her cheek. Effie held Madge out at an arms length, looking like she might just burst with pride.

Madge wished she could feel the same pride they felt. Ask her what she played for them and Madge wouldn’t be able to tell you.

* * *

The door of the Hawthorne’s residence glared at her. It was exactly the same as her own door except when she took her first step onto the patio, panic pierced her.

Madge was angry. 

Effie had informed her that not only had Haymitch been with Gale the entire morning but instead of doing the one scene with Gale, Madge would be with him for the rest of the day for the cameras. In his house. With his family. Watching. Like it was the Hunger Games all over again. 

_“We want to see you two like you would be on any other day! Think of us as little butterflies on the wall!”_ Effie’s instructions swirled in Madge’s mind. Madge couldn’t help but compare the Capitolites to moths instead. Moths were attracted to light, to spotlights.

Madge doubted they really wanted to see her and Gale naturally. All they would see is Madge holed up in Haymitch’s home and Gale’s relief of being from Madge. That filming session would have been quicker and honest. Instead, Madge waited on someone, most likely Hazelle, to open the door and greet her into the house like she’d been there one hundreds of times before. 

Maybe Gale was refusing to film? After the way he had reacted this morning, she could understand him not wanting to deal with her again. He said he couldn’t do it again. But his family was in danger, so could he afford to not play along. But also he can’t leave Katniss. She was who he loved. Who he said he wanted. It would go against everything in Gale to give up on those he loved.

Perhaps she wasn’t angry but instead unsure. Unsure of how to play her part. It all rides on Gale and there were few times she hadn’t guided most of their performance. Lies are always easier to tell when they’re close to the truth. That unsureness made her angry.

Movement fluttered behind the glazed glass beside the door. Tense, Madge tried to relax. Whatever happens behind that door, she has to protect her family. She can only hope Gale will do the same. 

The opening of the door enveloped Madge in warmth however no one stared back at her. She felt her gloved hand gently grasped. Looking down, she saw the hopeful Posy Hawthorne, who’s gaze didn’t falter from Madge. The memory of her sitting on her couch reminded Madge how small she was.. Sympathy coursed through Madge. They sure were in for a long ride.

Madge made to step forward but the young girl merged herself to Madge’s leg underneath the fur coat Portia had slipped her into. Posy nestled herself into Madge, delving deeper behind her coat. It reminded Madge of how Posy had nuzzled into Rory when he had picked her up. It might be what she wants, to be lifted and carried back into the warm house. But was it Madge’s place? To start carrying around Gale’s sister into his own home? However, Madge wasn’t really going to get anywhere with a dangling child on her leg.

“Hey Posy, do you want me to carry you?” The girl peeked out from the coat, a little smile growing. She stepped away from her leg and lifted her arms up to Madge. Chuckling, Madge scooped her up, albeit awkwardly, into her arms. 

Madge had never held a kid before. She was an only child and no relatives to give her a chance at it. After the Games, Madge had had babies thrust at her in the Capitol. Girls at school used to gossip about what names they would give to their future boys and girls. Katniss would often have to school her expression when they walked past those tables of girls.

The thought of children had never really entered her mind. What having a child would be like. She was raised alone, her parents always seemed so far away from her. It was hard for her to imagine something that she’d never experienced. 

With little Posy hanging from Madge’s neck, the idea of having a child, someone that Madge cared and loved unconditionally, didn’t seem like a burden like Katniss might think. 

Madge carried Posy softly through the entrance, quietly closing the door behind her.

“Pose, can you check the door for Madge?” A voice called. Before Madge could respond, Posy whispered “Thank you.”. Tilting back to see Posy’s face, the girl gave a timid smile back before lunging back into the depth of her coat.

“Oh. Hello Madge.” Hazelle tightly smiled. Madge smiled back curtly. The woman was wearing an apron that had some orange smears across it. Her dark hair was tied away from her face loosely. The Seam had taken more years from Hazelle than she deserved but she seemed healthy and less burdened than some of the Seam women Madge had encountered.

Hazelle must know what they had to do. They wouldn’t have agreed to this charade if she didn’t. Which means to some extent so do the kids. Madge couldn’t see any cameras behind Hazelle yet.

“Ma, is she here y-” Gale came to a stop in the doorway of one of the rooms. He stood still, his eyes darting between Hazelle, Posy and herself. A scuffling noise alerted Madge to the stairs. It must be where Effie and Haymitch were. 

Gale’s nostrils flared and there seemed to be a silent agreement for no one to move until they started to come down the stairs. Madge focused on Posy’s warm body enveloping her in a tight hug. Maybe the little girl could tell it was her first time holding a child. Posy lifted her head to stare at Madge. 

“I want yellow hair.” Posy told her. Madge contemplated the little girl, her starry eyed gaze now focussed on her blonde hair.

“Did you know, I’ve always wanted brown hair. Just like yours.” Madge admitted. The little girl blushed, but her eyes squinted back at her.

“You’re lying.”

“I always think, ‘I wish I had Posy’s hair.’” Madge teased. Posy blushed redder, tugging at a strand of Madge’s hair gently. Madge felt a genuine smile grow while watching Posy react to her. Madge moved the little girl around so she sat against her hip.

“Here, I’ll take her.” Gale stated without making a move. Madge almost considered shielding the little girl before she nodded and started to walk towards him. Gale had a strange look on his face, like he was trying to work something out. The space between them felt thick and Madge would blame that for the reason she walked so slowly. 

Rushed noises stopped Madge as she glanced to the stairs before Gale appeared. His face was free from any distinguishable emotion, but his eyes held her in a smoldering study. His eyes always gave him away if you knew what you were looking for. 

Posy shifted in Madge arms, pushing herself away and toward Gale. Gale’s arms welcomed Posy and Madge gently helped to deposit the young girl into his waiting arms. Posy settled into his arms comfortably, her head falling on Gale’s shoulders.

“I didn’t realise she would be here.” Madge reached up and gently brushed some of Posy’s hair from her face. She was so innocent. She had eight more years of innocence before her own name would be floating in the tribute bowls. 

Gale exhaled strongly and with only a glance up, Madge could tell the creeping eyes of people were closing in by the way Gale’s eyes darted back to her. Madge could sigh too. 

“Showtime.” Madge quietly said to herself. Gale must have caught it though because he looked at her with a furrowed brow. Madge just shrugged, and gave him her brightest smile. This is what they had to do. This is how they protect Posy for the next eight years. This is how they protect everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two are having a long and rough day. Thanks for reading, I love hearing your guys thoughts so please let me know what you think and if you want to chat you can find me [here!](https://motnymiller.tumblr.com/)


	4. Water to ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, long time no see! This chapter has been very difficult for me to write but I hope you all enjoy. I would like to say, I've been debating how this chapter should go for last week and have only just found a way to write it in a way I actually liked while forwarding the story.
> 
> As always I love reading your comments and thoughts so keep'em coming and again I hope y'all enjoy!

_“Be safe.”_ These were the last words her father whispered in her ear before she boarded the train. His tired eyes gave her a glassy smile and a sorrow that washed over Madge. He was her only goodbye on that train platform as Gale’s family, including his ‘cousins’ took longer. Avoidance was what Madge did well and the looks that flashed her way from Katniss and Gale, were easy enough to decipher. Luckily, no one during filming had mentioned Katniss. She stayed a firm afterthought in between every interaction Gale and herself performed.

Madge wished that the Capitol had made Peeta a relative of hers to say goodbye to. Instead, he stood part of the farewell crowd, smiling and clapping. She would miss their walks from school. At first, the sneers and stares of children were off-putting. But, just like when she attended that school, she became a stain that everyone ignored. 

Peeta was her one link to the district. He told her about school, his brothers, never his mother and cautiously broached the subject of Katniss. He started by mentioning Primrose, and slowly threw Katniss’ name into the thicket. Peeta didn’t know, but he didn’t need to be told to suspect. He was clever in a way that made Madge glad Peeta had the temperament he did. 

People say there's a youngest sibling complex. They’re people pleasers. Peeta pleased by making you think you could bend and wield him the way you want, only to find he isn’t as pliable as he makes you believe. He chooses to be kind in the face of his experiences and lost opportunities and Madge likes to think that Peeta will always have an unwavering sense of strength within that kindness.

Madge hated to compare herself to Peeta but they used to be the same in some ways. He was just a little stronger in that hope he held. Madge saw it in the way his eyes glanced at Katniss while she said goodbye to Gale. Just like he knew without knowing, she did too.

They never spoke about Gale. Even if Madge could feel the itch Peeta wanted to scratch. He would have been able to speak about Katniss if Madge had asked, but that’s where Madge and Peeta’s similarities ended Madge guessed. He could talk and soldier on in a different way. Madge liked curl into ball of limbs that lived in every moment she’d ever experienced.

Maybe it was because she wasn’t used to the loudness of her memories. Her mother’s moans were distraught in a quiet way that would signal the ever present Fay to her rescue. Another syringe and another dreamless night. Her father’s footfalls were always gentle as he arrived home late. That loneliness quietly chipped away at Madge’s resistance to the heaviness and strength noise had against her walls. 

Peeta made eye contact with Madge and an urgency flashed in his eyes before nudging his head to the carriage encouragingly. _I’ll be here, if you need me, when you need me._ That’s what Madge saw in him and his soft face.

Katniss was an idiot. Madge was an idiot. Peeta Mellark is too good for this place. Not because he’s innocent, but because he has a strength to survive and make you feel like the world wasn’t balancing on the shoulders of Madge and Gale’s love parade around Panem.

Staring at Katniss’ practiced braid, she stood behind her sister, hands resting atop of the younger’s shoulders and an untrusting look directed at Gale. Katniss wore the same dress she had worn to the reaping, the dull blue contrasting against her tan skin and distracting everyone from the slightly too thin arms. The Capitol would ignore it but Madge couldn’t help but think of all those that lived in the Seam. 

Those district divides were created to divert the too simple minds that the Capitol refused to educate properly. She wasn’t blind. Neither was she free from the bonds that her father carried out the maintenance on at the Capitol’s request. _Easy to see from the ivory tower._ That's what he had said when she had mentioned it all those months ago. Her mind let Gale’s voice carry every little remark to her chest, letting the words plant guilt and disgust. She was complicit, just as each child that threw her looks that promised that she would never be anything more than the face of everything that they would never have. 

Gale avoided Katniss’ stare, focusing on Primrose. He must have told a joke because Primrose’s glistening eyes were paired with a brightening smile. Katniss frowned at their interaction. Why didn’t she hide her emotions better? A tittering, sprinkling of frustration slowly pelted Madge as she was caught in the rain of Gale and Katniss. 

It wasn’t just them. It was the whole scene in front of her. A person she considered a friend, who was always known to have Gale’s long term attention, was frowning and showing the camera’s, the district her obstruction to whatever was happening. Madge imagined herself pleading with an unforgiving Snow, _how can I do anything about her? How can I do anything about them?_ His ugly eyes smiled and shrugged.

Why did no one understand, or even think about the way death would creep upon them. Her father’s glassy smile illuminated in her mind and scared her. That could be the last way she sees him because a threat wasn’t enough for Gale. He had to twist, turn and _fight_ their doom. He couldn’t just suck it up and deal with her and their lives as victors. 

It might have been different if she had foreseen another life. A life that had constant struggles but stayed stitched together. Madge had only ever foresaw herself being molded into her father’s shadow. He used to look at her like she was doomed. Now his sad eyes looked at her with doom but a kind that he has less hand in. Less guidance, less over sight, less his daughter and more _theirs_ than he could have predicted. 

If her life had a better outcome, if she had hoped a little more like Peeta maybe she would be more angry. But standing there, watching Gale smile and joke she knew her time with him was always just a ploy and it was her fault for ever believing it more than it was. It was her fault she was like this, so unsure. She had never had much hope, the last time she had had hope it was during those fucking Games. And now she was going to have face people who knew their dead better than Gale or herself could ever claim to. Being so close to death does bring out primal instincts.

Gale and Katniss embraced. Madge walked past them. A warm smile was given to them without really looking _at_ them. A smile that conveyed: there’s no worry about this cousin. A smile that made her colder deep inside. The rain of Katniss and Gale was beginning to flood within her. How was Madge to carry so much water? When would that water turn to ice?

The train was the same as it had been when they had travelled to their near certain deaths so many months ago. No extra expenses were to be expended on the traitorous victors. The high decadence exuded from the compartment, reminding her of Effie’s bubbling facts about each decoration. It must have taken her years to carefully cultivate such a space. 

Without waiting for Gale, she allowed herself to turn down the corridor to her room and locked the door behind her. That’s a new addition. They must think Madge was above hurting herself this time around. Or they have the key.

Hazelle, the unsuspecting saving grace. She was probably the only reason Madge had her own room. Madge wished that it had been her mother to stand up for her, defend her age and denounce anything other than stolen kisses that may have transpired under her supervision of Twelve’s lovers.

A knock rapped against her door. “I’m tired. I just want a nap.” Madge lied to her room. Listening for a response that never came, Madge thought it was either Haymitch or Portia. Haymitch would leave her, believing in her lie hoping she did sleep away the rest of the day. Portia’s quiet nature wouldn’t object to her request. 

Madge wrapped the sheets around her body, cocooning herself in layer after layer. Instead of letting sleep evade her mind, she watched the passing scenery blur and stretch. And that was the closest to sleep she would get.

* * *

Gale must have been able to feel the stickiness of her hand. The awkwardness in her grip. Madge wasn’t used to feeling this nervousness at the prospect of standing in front of a crowd. It was a performance. She ca do it well. Today, she wasn’t performing for the crowd, she was performing for a camera, while hundreds of eyes bore holes through her act.

Gale took a step forward that Madge didn’t match. The heat was drowning her even under the shady protection of the Justice Building. The air was still, refusing to let Madge have a second to breathe. This wasn’t even her pain, her grief to cower behind. It’s Gales.

How did the Capitol come up with this sick torture? How did they come to realise that this show would quell any anger you could possess. Forcing you to look in the eyes of the people that knew and loved the children that were sent to die with you. Except you survived. You survived and reaped the benefits of their deaths. That you took away any semblance of a chance they had.

That’s what was waiting for them. 

Gale tugged them forward but she felt like she was being pulled through tar. She remembers the Games when the ground was made of sand and tar. By the end, mutts emerged from the thick black oil, their moans reverberating inside her mind remembering them.

The stretch of Madge and Gales arms just showed how far they could be emotionally distance themselves from each other. He just stood there, completely still staring at her. No clench in his jaw, or a return of tightness in their gripped hands. It might be the first time that he’s leading their act and that small fact lunges at her with a whole new spin to this day.

He looks like Thresh. Tall, sure, uncompromising.

“Come on.” Madge barely hears the request. There’s nothing in his voice that signals to Madge that he’s as distraught as she is. There isn’t a strain or scratch to the words. He just seems ready. 

She lets him tug her to his side at his second attempt. When they step onto the stage, the sun beats down upon them, just as the crowd politely claps. It's different from how the Capitolites clap for them. The Capitolites always looked like they wanted to eat, this crowd, they just observed. 

When Gale begins to deliver his speech, every cliche is dropped and everything that was their Effie assigned speeches could have been summed up with the words ‘Sorry we won and your tributes didn’t’. Why wasn’t he angry? Maybe it was in his eyes. It was always burning in his eyes.

Gale’s voice changed in tone in all the right places and the thought that Gale might understand the consequences of not following the script rippled an almost combative response in Madge. Yesterday, she had criticized Gale and Katniss. Now, she just wanted the infuriating, pushy Gale. The Gale that was walking and talking now was exactly what she didn’t need. She needed to see bristling, some kind of indication that this hurts him. That doing this was wrong and he wanted to kill the feeling that was inside them.

“Rue’s death... I’m sorry I couldn't do more.” Madge stares at Gale. He looks out to the crowd, not ever glancing down at the faces of either tributes family. That’s not the finishing line. That’s not what he was supposed to say but at the same time, it's the most he can say for her. Gale glances at Madge as an ease befalls the crowd. No one smiles or claps. They all just looked to her, with one question in their mind: What do you have to say?

One of Rue’s sisters focused her attention on Gale. Why did they all have to look like little Rue? Gale's head was hanging now, high enough for the cameras, low enough for her to recognise his shame. Madge felt a gentle pattern being rubbed over the inside of her wrist by his thumb. Madge thinks that she might have needed comfort too if she couldn't face the families of those who expected more.

When Madge steps forward to the microphone, she detaches her hand from Gale’s. He shouldn’t be part of this. It was the right thing to do, the right thing. _Just don’t go too far Madge._ If Gale couldn't do it, then Madge will do it for them both.

“I would like to thank District Eleven for your hospitality today. You have welcomed us into your home and I would like to acknowledge the good faith in that gesture.” A lie but she had to appease someone before becoming personal. 

“When I arrived in the Capitol, I stood behind Thresh in every line. He was strong, in a way that I admired. Being here now, I can understand where that strength was cultivated, it's what I feel in front of you. What he did for Gale, I think that’s the way we should strive to be more like. 

Rue is, she’s, she deserved better. I tried to give her as much peace as I could and I hope she felt that love we left with her. She deserved more than ours. She will never leave us just as every tribute will never leave their families. A part of us all dies each time we watch on.” 

The want to say more screamed at Madge. But she couldn’t think of anything else to say. Too afraid that she might start crying and how self involved could she be to cry in the face of people who actually lost Thresh and Rue’s smiles.

Eleven’s mayor pushed between Madge and Gale, hurriedly thanking them for their kind words. But it was like a rallying call. Madge witnessed a shift, a wave flowed through the crowd. Hands rested on the shoulders of those beside them, while their other hand grasped the arm opposite side to them. It was Gale and Madge’s and it was coordinated. Their stony faces offered nothing other than their unwavering defiance. ‘ _Unrest because of your defiance’._

It was the family of Rue, the oldest sister of the bunch who stood strong and with her district. Her siblings were too young to be copying this display but their mother was by their side. Because they shouldn’t be on that stage. They shouldn't have watched their twelve year old die at the hands of the Capitol. Her eldest child shouldn’t have become the oldest. Just like Gale shouldn't have returned to his family. Just like Madge shouldn't have killed anyone. None of them should have left.

Wildly, Madge looked for Haymitch. Gale’s eyes pierced her instead, a cold anger pulsing from him. It was always in his eyes. If she wanted his anger, she had it now. 

Peacekeepers appeared, shepherding them into the Eleven’s Justice Building. Something was wrong. Not right. This isn’t how they finished. Madge would know, she was one of the girls that handed out flowers every year in Twelve. They had received nothing. 

Haymitch grabbed her arm in a painful grip while he gave Gale little more than a follow if you want gesture. They twisted up stairs and through corridors that Madge didn’t bother to memorize. He’s trying to save her from something that she had created and she’ll let him drag her around Eleven to avoid some of her consequences.

What had she done? Why couldn’t she play along? It’s all she was asked to do and here she stood, orchestrating, fueling dissent. She was explicitly told to douse the districts. To become a part of the Capitol so the districts saw their victory as a way to join those we despised. What did she do? She stood with them. And she could see it in Snow’s eyes. What her words meant. What they would form, create in those that deserve more. The air around her family just became thicker, harder to breathe because of her.

She might have said too much, gone too far. But even if she hadn't said what she said, it was too organised. It was planned. With or without herself or Gale, District Eleven wasn't lying down but neither were the Capitol.

“What are you doing? I thought you were the one I could lean on but instead I’m looking to the boy! And he didn’t even stick to his script either.” Haymitch whispered like he wanted to yell. He didn’t have anger in his eyes. His eyes darted between herself and Gale frantically in fear and annoyance.

“It was the truth. Nothing I said prompted that, it was organised.” Madge pushed back. She was sick of having her life pulled away from her. She didn't have any control. Even the power she thought they might have with people wasn't real. 

“Well that wasn’t yours to give. You were there to pull the blanket over their eyes and tuck them in. Stormy-

“Don’t call me that.” Gale gritted out. Haymitch continued on, “told me about your visit. So you standing here, trying to absolve yourself of blame is real rich.” This is the Haymitch that Madge hated. The Haymitch that threw stones from his glass house. Except his glass house was burnt to the ground the moment he won his Games. It made him someone who didn’t care if he lost a little more.

“Well, either of you got anything to say?” Haymitch was a picker. Someone who received a scab and knew better than to pick but can’t help but reveal and fester with a wound. His eyes were so similar to Gale’s, to Katniss’. Though his were often complemented with bloodshot veins and sunken bags.

Neither teen said a word. There was distant yelling and crashing noises. It was because of her. Everything was going to hell because of her and she’s in a white mansion, with artifacts and riches all around her while people are being beaten by the unrelenting sun and batons.

“It was the right thing to do.” Gale stated. He said it in such a way that offered Haymitch nothing more to say. The older man stares at Gale over her shoulder with a look of contempt. Madge couldn’t dare to turn and look to Gale. She could see him, seething, challenging Haymitch to make a move. To give Gale an excuse to get his frustrations out without breaking down. 

But neither flinched at the sound of that isolated gunshot. Madge closed her eyes, realising how much more blood she might have smeared on her hands today.

“It’s what’s going to kill them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with this chapter! If you want to chat you hit me up [here!](https://motnymiller.tumblr.com/)


	5. Golden shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back to say, I think we've all been waiting for this chapter and for that reason I couldn't resist updating early! I'm so intensely happy about how this chapter came out and I hope you all enjoy it as well!

There’s a certain time of night that Madge could rely on for silence. Nothing was quite distinguishable except the steady churning of the train against the rails whispering throughout the carriage lounge. If asked what time on the minute, Madge wouldn’t know. She only knew it by the way everything else just fell away to click into place.

Each time Madge finished her speeches now, she felt pieces of herself fall away and stay to rot with those that looked at her like she was some coward. Madge and Gale didn’t deviate from their speeches and they were rewarded with only District Eight trying to rally a demonstration.

Gale was right that day in Eleven. She did do the right thing but not for her family. Not for Gale’s.

Everyday, Gale called home. Madge often left the room, unable to listen to him talk about the tour as if it wasn’t killing her slowly. Other times, Posy would ask to speak to her and she could never quite say no. So she'd sit near enough for Gale to catch their conversations but a certain distance away from him that didn’t let her be distracted by how together he seemed. Once, Vick appeared in her ear, quietly and carefully talking to her about what he was learning. About how caterpillars eat and eat and eat before cocooning themselves away to evolve into something so beautiful; only to die. And Madge would just sit there and encourage it all.

When Madge didn’t leave the room, she would watch him. He didn’t show signs of any of his seams coming apart. He ate and slept and talked to everyone like he normally would, while she felt like someones sad little doll, twisted and twirling throughout the tour with no control over her limbs. 

Thinking about the Games was almost comforting. Even the horrific moments that haunted her but it was the harder, less coherent memories that she found less known, true satisfaction from. The ones that reminded her she had caught Gale’s stare, like he catches hers now. The way he watched her, when he thought she was asleep in their cave. His too rough fingertips grazing against the red spot that had seemed so innocuous. Gale’s surprised chuckle. Tense shoulders pressing against her back.

Closing her eyes, the solid and all encompassing touch of Gale’s back against hers formed in her imagination. Or was it memory? The steady beat, vibration of his heart; the rhythm of his breathing overcame her. The pouring rain that followed them home from the Capitol after their Games that crashed around them. Madge could almost hear the rain in between the quietness of the carriage.

“This is how me and Rory used to sit when our Dad..” Gale’s rough voice broke Madge’s brief retreat. There was warmth emanating against her back and the room around her was the same but different. The quietest gold light shone in the corner of the room, illuminating next to nothing and giving Madge shadows to watch and focus on. It all felt so close yet so far for the Madge who was listening to Gale all over again.

Gale held her hand loosely. How was he this close again? Why would Madge allow this? Every part of her knew better but the feeling of their joined hands hanging off the edge of the seat stilled her. She didn’t understand how he fit on the cushioned seats like this with her but he didn’t complain or shift from his position. 

Leaning back more, Madge allowed herself to flatten against his back, resting her head only slightly against his shoulder to face the ceiling of the carriage. She could smell the soap he used in his hair, something like lemons or oranges, Madge wasn’t sure which. 

Madge knew this wasn’t happening. A memory like this one was etched, scarred, and burned into her. She just couldn’t resist the allure of a time before Madge knew. Before she knew that Katniss still existed, not just in recesses of his mind but in front of it all. Before she knew that this was it for them. That this was their end. Madge was just going to let herself sink and ultimately submerge herself. It didn't matter how much it would hurt to fall from the clouds and land in reality, as long as she held the inevitable at bay for a minute or two.

They hadn't been this close and alone since before the Games and even then it wasn’t like this. What was happening now, was giving Madge heart palpitations. They didn’t have cameras following them, or people watching them kiss and care for one another. This was on their time. The Games might be shown and relived every time they’re in front of the camera’s but this was the kind of moment that lingered like an unexplainable fear. 

“It’s nice.” Madge admitted quietly, hoping Gale felt the same. A throaty hum drifted from Gale that stood against the pelting rain outside. 

“It wasn’t just a tactic. Or strategy.” Madge let the words go. She had held them for so long, wondering whether Gale would ever come to know them. A stiffness took over Madge and refused to let go. He took a deep breath and exhaled, a looseness befalling through Madge when Gale tilted his head, mirroring her. It gave her assurance that she too was a solid, real person. His hair tickled her ear as he let her shoulder the gentle weight of his head. 

An entangled mess; that's what they were right now. Heads leaning against each other's shoulders, hands and arms twisted in their own embrace, almost separate from them yet entirely entwined in the disorder of their bodies. This wouldn’t be the last time they found each other for this comfort, but it was the first.

Madge could turn right now and her lips would graze against Gale’s stubble ridden jaw. She could tighten her hold on his hand. She could integrate with Gale and they could become one but it wasn’t Madge’s move to make.

Gale didn’t say anything though. He just sat there, gently leaning against her and she did the same. They sat in that silence, Madge liked to think they both had their eyes closed just listening to the rain and the others pulse thrumming, anticipating this exact moment. This exact chance for _something_ to bloom.

Their loose hands suddenly crushed together, disturbing Madge’s pre-programmed thoughts and feelings. Her insides became like snakes, coiling and squirming inside her. She squeezed her eyes tightly, hoping that whatever was tainting this moment, _their_ moment would disappear. But that lovely rain disappeared instead. 

Turning her head towards Gale’s, she opened her eyes to find nothing there. No lemon or orange scent. No dark hair or grey eyes. No warmth. No safety. Nothing but empty air. No, she wasn’t met with Gale’s face staring at her like she was meant too. _Like she remembered._

“Madge?”

Snapping to the voice that was crouched below her, Madge was confronted with what she had searched for only a second ago. But it wasn’t right. The Gale that knelt in front of her, concern and grief rippling in every wrinkle of his face and a hand clutching hers like he had saved her from drowning did not shove any of the excited need she had had in that disappearing memory. No, Madge just felt the utter disappointment and shame of still wanting, needing that memory to envelop her, like it could put to rest some internal debate she was having.

Not moving, Madge wishfully thought he would disappear. Or even better, she would disappear. This can’t be real. Madge doesn’t want Gale’s concern to be real or anything other than Madge's soft psyche finally letting itself tumble from grace.

“Where did you go?” He demanded softly. It was like a sneeze or cough; the question took them both by surprise.

For the longest second, their minds met in harmony with what they both feared. They feared tomorrow for different reasons. Like Gale’s grief slept in District Eleven, Madge’s found its home in District Seven.

Not ready for that particular pain, Madge just stared at his hand that was still holding, pressing against hers, so tightly that his fingerprints might just imprint into her soft skin like a stamp to prove he was really here. 

“You knew.” Madge whispered. Gale didn’t say anything. “I told you that night. I told you what it was for me and you let me…” Madge didn’t finish. Because then they would both have to confront it and as much as Madge put up a good front, she was becoming a ruin of rubbles and what ifs.

But that didn’t make it fair. He shouldn’t be kneeling and looking to her like he actually cares. He can’t spin her around and around in circle after circle. Madge wasn’t made for this. She was made to do what she was told.

Yet being in love with Gale was what she was tasked with, as if she had ever stopped. Like the sting of remembering them that night was because he rejected her two days later and not because she wished she’d never known him that way at all. Like the headaches from refusing to sleep were because of faceless creatures and not the face of Katniss at peace in the arms of Gale, his matching hers. As if her standing up on stages, holding hands, looking up to him like she was crazy in love was anything more than wishing she could wash Gale’s lips from hers.

Gale eased his hold on her hand and Madge took that small opening to stand atop of the seat and lunge away from him as quickly as possible. Madge was jolted to a stop by the scorching grasp Gale captured her arm in. 

“When I said I wanted us to go back to normal, it didn’t mean that I didn’t see you in the picture anymore. Fuck Madge, come on.” He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Gale's frustration was evident but hers was stronger. Hers wasn’t diluted with guilt like his.

Why does he do this? Why did he make everything harder? He didn’t confront her, he didn’t yell or push her to talk to him, to be around him. He just lived his life with his happy family and a mother that sees Gale, not his father. He went hunting with Katniss, like normal. He laughed. He lived. Like normal.

Except, it was Madge’s fault for not noticing that he missed her. 

“I don’t know how you thought I would understand that, Gale.” He said nothing, a tick in his jaw instead started to lock and unlock. “Normal for me was dealing with someone who hated me because I was given three meals a day. That was the picture I knew of us Gale.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t hide behind shit like that. We need each other-” Madge ripped her arm from his grip, shielding her arms into her chest to avoid any other attempt Gale might make to keep her with him.

“You don’t need me. You never did, or else you would have been the one on my doorstep.” Gale’s eyes softened only slightly at the word _you._ They both knew what Madge would never openly admit it.

“Can we just talk! Is that so much to ask for?” Madge wished he had spat those words at her. She wished he would be harsher, jaggedly sharp to touch. Rather, Madge found a steely glow to his stare. It’s not like he said it kindly but he said it with an unknowing cruelness that plunged Madge into something that she had been ignoring.

She missed it too. Just talking to him sometimes.

It wasn’t too much to ask. It wasn’t much at all. Her resolve fluttered like a butterfly who knew its time was near.

That glowing gold touched Gale’s face, warming that steely gaze as Gale waited with his unmoving request he had given her. It was too easy to look at him and remember the less coherent, less plausible memories as tangible and not as dismissable as make believe.

Madge couldn’t ignore the shadows that flickered and flared across Gale either. They moved like they knew and weren’t scared of the consequences. Those shadows fashioned themselves over Gale because they knew that the’ talking’ Gale missed didn’t quite exist anymore. Gale tilted her head, bathing himself in more golden air and before she could compel herself to stop, she nodded.

That steel like study shifted, trailing from the top of her head to the silk sleeping set that she wore and all the way back up to her own watchful eyes. Madge pretended she didn’t notice an ease fall across Gale and she’s sure he would pretend not to notice the scrunching of her toes against the plush carpet.

The silence wasn’t like the silence Madge lived to revel in. This silence was like waiting for a coin to finish its flipping to reveal heads or tails. It was the type that one couldn’t bear breaking for fear of saying something completely odd. It also wasn’t the worst silence Madge and Gale had endured together since beginning the tour but it wasn't one she wished to absolve.

A crash broke whatever had caught them in hypnosis. It was followed by swearing and Madge let herself smile briefly out of relief for Haymitch Abernathy. When Madge swiveled back to Gale, he gave her the same appreciative smile that she still carried.

He began to move closer but his normal steadiness broke when he looked to move past her. She turned so that he could pass without touching her. Madge stood facing the outline of his shoulder as he stopped in front of her. He glanced to the hallway, before asserting,

“We’ll talk tomorrow.” Gale didn’t look at her. Nor did he phrase it as a question but he did wait like he needed an answer. That perhaps her nod was not enough for him, he needed something to hold her accountable with.

“Okay.” Madge gave in. There was no point and really how much more miserable could Madge become. Maybe if he asked her for advice about Katniss. The thought shivered down her spine.

Gale stood for a moment longer, balling his hand into a fist before shaking it from his own grasp and walking away. Madge waited a beat before meandering her way back to her room.

In the corner of her eye, she caught Haymitch’s shivering form in the corner of the hallway. He didn’t appear surprised at her appearance. Worse, he looked like he had been around longer than either Gale or herself might have noticed.

“You're doing each other a world of good, Pearl. Just play along for now okay.” Haymitch appraised her, squeezing her upper arm before wandering away. Madge would never stop playing though.

Mortified and tired, Madge ignored the hopelessness of knowing someone was always going to be watching her all the time and fell atop her bed. It would come to an end soon, hopefully. That everything wouldn’t be so strong and that she might be able sink a little further into things that weren’t really there.

* * *

_Madge looked back to her side and was met with Gale’s lips aligning with hers. Only a sliver of space separated them. That space was soon occupied with the warmth of their breaths becoming one._

_Letting herself be taken by his lemony orangey hints, the prickling of Gale’s hair brushing against her and the uncomfortableness of their bodies, Madge pressed her lips against Gale’s._

_His lips were slightly chapped and Madge hoped she was providing him some kind of relief. It was soft and gentle, nothing like some of their kisses in the Games. But this was their secret._

_Doubt and embarrassment niggled against what was once Madge’s need and confidence. Maybe she had read this all wrong. Madge released Gale’s lips and inched slowly away._

_Until he kissed her back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! If you want to chat you can find me [here!](https://motnymiller.tumblr.com/)


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